Facing Fears

Having two healthy beautiful boys makes me feel incredibly blessed. Some days I feel so lucky, that as soon as they go to sleep, I just stare at them while happy tears roll down my face. Simply because I love them so much.

Then there is today. My three year old had his first stomach flu. Which has been my greatest fear for as long as I can remember. Not only is seeing your children helpless and watching them suffer the worst thing ever, but having to face your biggest fear while being trapped in a house of germs? Downright terrifying.

Luckily my husband has been an amazing help cleaning up all of the sickness, because my fear of vomit is debilitating. Although no amount of Clorox can take away my crippling fear of germs and trying to separate my toddler from kissing my infant.

Despite my greatest efforts to quarantine the boys, the little one caught the flu also.  Having my 6 month old wake up every 45 minutes throughout the night while worrying my toddler would have to get sick again, had me suffocating. I know that this is a fear I need to continue to face so that my boys don’t ever have to live this way and think the way that I do, but It didn’t make it any less scary to me.

Although I will never show them how I’m feeling inside, and I will remain as selfless as I can possibly be while remaining a good mom. Because “The moment you created another human, was the moment you decided to spend the rest of your life putting somebody else before yourself”.

The truth is though, the reality of me no longer being in control of only myself, had me in a very dark place the past week. I can wash my own hands an infinite amount of times in a day, or stay away from friends who are ill.  A child though, doesn’t have that option. Their little immune systems can’t handle it yet. They need to build up more immunity through everyday life, which means getting sick. A lot. While they’re young. Oh boy.

Normally I could never tell a soul any of this, but wanted to share this part of my life and struggles in case anyone out there can relate. It is a part of life, we will get through it. Each time I will grow a little less squeamish and a little more strong.

Because the reality, is that everyday life with two young babes is difficult enough. Trying to get baby to latch onto the milk jugs while your 3 year old is shouting “mommy mommy mommy” for what seems like the thousandth time. Realizing you haven’t eaten for 7 hours because you forgot that the food you’ve already warmed up three times is still sitting in the microwave. Looking down and realizing you haven’t changed your spandex for three days and one leg is covered in spit up and the other one has dried applesauce on it.

I know I am a good mom. I would give anything for my children. Seeing them when they don’t feel good has to be the worst feeling in the entire world. Knowing how sick and powerless they are breaks my heart. But on weeks like this and days like today, I want to close my eyes and escape.

Back out of my garage as quickly as possible. Sun roof open. Windows down. Not a single noise except for the breeze outside and scarface gently rapping to me from the radio.  Not having to worry about anyone other than myself for one minute out of the day. Even getting to sip my coffee while it’s still hot or shower without a tiny human spraying water in your eyeballs sounds pretty friggin dreamy right about now.

I would do unforgivable things to even read an entire magazine uninterrupted from cover to cover.

Although I know these are just fantasies. I know I lost that right when I decided to become am a  mom. One day I shall have my independence back and secretly miss them being this little. As for now, maybe I could have a babysitter come over a day a week. So that I could still have some of those privelages, as I know how important alone time is.

Even though today is a struggle and I am afraid of the constant unpredictability of life, momming truly is the greatest job in the world. Maybe the most challenging, but I really am lucky to experience the unconditional love these little people share with me everyday.

Some days are certainly harder than others, where I’m staring at the clock counting down the minutes for it to be night night time. But as much as I joke about losing my marbles and wanting to escape, the moment these wild ponies do close their eyes, I find myself wanting to run back into their room, wake them up for one more moment just to get another silly smile in and tell them how much I love them.

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